Fathers – How to Gain Custody
Divorces are painful, they engender loss, confusion, anger, resentment and stress. If children are involved, the process becomes even more complex.
I was fortunate that my wife and I firmly believed that our children needed fair access to both parents, this meant that we were able to come to an access rights agreement that worked for both of us. We are now comfortably and happily sharing equally all rights, guardianship and residence for our children.
As this is the case, you may wonder why I’m writing this article. After all, it seems that we had the perfect outcome.
Although this may be true, during my divorce I learned a substantial amount about the legal and societal issues that govern custody and access rights, and I thought I’d share that here.
Let me start off by saying that if you are a father fighting for fair access,: don’t give up, there is hope!
Most countries have legally accepted the United Nations Children’s Charter, which is a universally accepted set of children’s rights. A child’s core right during a divorce is for his/her best interests to be put at the forefront. This means that custody agreements are fashioned not in the parents’ best interests, but in the child’s.
However the reality is that society holds an entrenched belief that the children are always better off with their mothers. This deep-seated belief is based on a number of factors (some of which are our own fault, men!) including
1. Mothers have deeper bonds, as they carried the child
2. Fathers are unable to care for small children
3. Small children need mothers for comfort and care
4. Woman are better equipped to handle children due to their nurturing natures
5. Men are career focussed, or have no time due to work commitments
Sadly due to gender inequality in the work place many officials involved in your divorce will be male, and often even these officials do not believe or understand that there are many men who want and who are able to care for their minor children.
This is well illustrated by one family law Judge’s statement that, “I ain’t never seen the calves follow the bulls, they always follow the cow; therefore, I always give custody to the mamas” (Commission on Gender Bias in the Judicial System, 1992 p. 742) (JOURNAL OF FAMILY VIOLENCE, VOLUME 10, NUMBER 3, p 253-264, 1995, DIVORCE RELATED MALICIOUS MOTHER SYNDROME, Ira Daniel Turkat, Ph.D.)
During our separation I was shocked by how often people said to me “You are so lucky that your wife lets you see your children so often”, many people have a natural tendency to believe that children belong to the mother and that fathers have no rights and no value to add.
How do I go about preparing to gain fair access? The key issue is to prepare yourself, don’t be a victim, don’t accept the status quo. If you follow the steps listed below it will assist you in gaining fair access to your children.
1. Decide what you want – write it down, define in words what you are what you want or are willing to accept.
2. Don’t believe that your lawyer has your best interests at heart, it is YOUR responsibility to educate yourself and fight for your rights.
3. Educate yourself against all potential arguments and counter arguments
4. Take time off work during the divorce to take your children to the Doctor, to visit their school, buy their clothes – so that you are able to prove to your spouse and the authorities that you are capable.
5. Spend time with your children when they are with you – many fathers often get stuck in small apartments, with very little in the way of furnishings and toys in the beginning – don’t let it get you down, take your children to the park, visit friends, spend real time with them.
6. Keep records of what you do with your children (you can use it in court)
7. Decide what you want – write it down, and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
I mentioned education, there are numerous websites and articles that you can use to prepare yourself against all the common arguments, some of these are listed below.
http://www.fatherhoodinstitute.org/index.php?id=12&cID=583, http://www.fathermag.com/news/2757-matriarchy-feminism-violence.shtml
What about you? Another critical element in successfully gaining fair access rights is looking after yourself.
As strange as it may sound if you expect to succeed in gaining custody or at the very least fair and equitable access to your children you need to look after yourself.
You cannot expect to have happy children, and be able to convince your spouse and/or the courts that you are a great carer if you do not look after yourself.
To this aim I became an inveterate list maker, that defined what I wanted, how and when, but the first one was called “Rebuilding Me” – I took a long hard look at myself and tried to catalogue what I wanted to change. I visualised a stronger, happier and better me.
Using this vision I made a list, with expected completion dates for what I needed to do to become this better person.
I created subcategories:
Personal – my clothes, my appearance, my level of fitness
Home – how my new apartment should look, how to decorate my children’s room, what furniture I would have
Financial – which debt I could get rid of, what savings I wanted by when
Things to do with the children – a list of ideas for activities that were inexpensive but brought us together
Working through this list on a weekly basis besides assisting me in achieving my goal, also kept me focussed and gave me a feeling of control, even though at times I felt as if my world was whirling around me.
I strongly recommend to anyone going through this time to “rebuild” yourself, visualise it, write it down and do it.
Good luck, and remember that at the end of the day gaining access to your children is not about winning a war against your spouse but it is rather about providing happiness to you and your children, and ensuring that they grow up balanced and successful.